Mad to Doubt You

When we had to pick our own names for the Sacrament of Confirmation, I chose the name, Thomas. He was the apostle who doubted Christ's resurrection, right up to the point where the risen Christ, wounds agape, stood before his amazed eyes and said, 'Happy are those who do not see and yet believe.' It's a compelling account, but while I am artistic and endowed with insight, my logical half has always tended to get the better of me. Many psychoanalysts would find me crazy for trying to share the details of what has happened to me over these last few weeks. Few of them could probably draw as well as I do, or write a decent song. People used to watch me draw or hear me sing and tell me I had a gift from God. I never fully believed it until now. I, like my ancient namesake, needed concrete evidence. Even when it was presented, it wasn't convincing enough until I re-experienced it. I'm ashamed of this. I would be happier if I could be like the countless millions who believe without evidence. It's no secret that I've been unhappy. Now I know why. I can find no other explanation for what has happened to me this year than providence. From what I can now tell, I have relived virtually every moment of my life from a previous year, with each song or blog produced by the experience restoring my memory and marking each leg of my journey. Along with my memory returned my purpose. Having no memory of the past, I set out this time, probably very much like the last time, to undo the Bible with my blogs. Look at me now. I can't stop thinking about Jesus. I would like to give you the details of my conversion, but they are too personal to be taken seriously as objective evidence, though entirely real to my eyes and ears. I don't want any more ambulances showing up at my doorstep if I can avoid it. I don't mind ending up with a bit of egg on my face as I look back on all I have said these last few years. It's a small price to pay for eternal life in a heaven where the angels rock and where pleasure abounds in perfect harmony with appetite for pleasure - but that's another blog.
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